After The Getaway - End Scene

I stepped into Jeff's office and plopped myself down ont his leather couch sitting in the corner. The couch was one of those old regal looking leather chairs that you would see in a lawyers office that would cost you close to half a million dollars to hire. Jeff looked up from his cherry wood desk and smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back. He had that affect on me and it was the smile of his that spread from his lips to his eyes. "You look like you could use another vacation", he said. I nodded. I did. I wanted to go home. To sit by the pond at my parents house while the crickets chirped and the birds sang. I needed that peace. "What are you thinking?" he asked of me. "How badly I need to go home. How I need to go make things right with Jake." "Oh. Him. Beau told me about your, uh, vacation." He said slyly. "I know. I'm an idiot. But can I use the I am an intern excuse?" "No. You can't. It's acceptable but you need to figure out how to make it right with Beau at work and clear you conscious." "Yes. I do. I need to make it right with Jake first before I go on making it right anywhere else." "So go do it. Go now. I'll fly you." "Because you are Peter Pan and have Tinkerbell in your pocket? I can't leave work and I don't have the money for a plane ticket right now." "Ah, Tinkerbell would be a good name for my private jet but unfortunately she or it, doesn't have a name."

As far fetched as I was beginning to think my life was, it wasn't. Jeff had a private jet and pull with Beau. He managed to get me a few days off from work and fly me down to Texas to see my family by the days end. I of course begged Jeff to go with me. Why? I'm not totally sure. I just felt like I always had to be near him. Like he was the answer to my very pear shaped world. And he didn't argue, didn't say no, he just went along for my ride without a question.

After The Getaway

There was only a month left until the ball and Beau was completely stressed. Jeff had to go back to work and actually be the CEO of his own company and I didn't have any help with direction as Beau just couldn't sit still long enough and tell me. That morning Beau sent me over to Jeff's office to pick up several packets apparently with information for the ball. I was tired and wanted nothing more than to get away from the office and Beau. He was chaotic and we didnt even talk to me , merely mumbled or sent his secretary for me. I had a feeling he had a relationship in mind when we went away for the getaway and no just a weekend fling. Oh well. I didn't have the time to worry about his feelings or what he wanted. I had committed myself to Jake and now I just needed to figure out how to tell him.

I took a cab only part way to Jeff's office and then walked the rest of the way to clear my mind. The thing I missed the most about home, about Texas, was the stars and the fresh air. I was able to breathe in the air, think through my problems and come up with a solution. Here all I felt was more and more problems. By the time I got to Jeff's the only solution I could come up with was to take a week off and go back home. I just had to figure out how to ask Beau for the time off.

Jeff's front desk assistant buzzed me up and let me go straight to his office. We had spent some time over there also
during the planning of this ball so I was a familiar face. The three of us had actually gotten quite close. And I was surprised at how much we told each other without hesitation. It was a beautiful friendship we had started, of course minus the sex with Beau part. And I'm sure the friendship would have been stronger had we spent actual time together and not working time.

The First Getaway - The Rest Of The Story

I had laid a wash cloth on the back of the tub for me to rest my neck. I slid down into the tub and closed my eyes. I didn't want to wash my body or srub behind my ears, I just wanted to soak and relax. I heard a knock at the door and I don't know how long I had been there for but there were only two candles left burning and the water had gone from scalding hot to an almost cold. Beau came in with a pair of short on and nothing else. It was the first time I had ever seen his body that unclothed and his chest was chiseled lightly but enough to draw my attention. He was carrying a small glass of champagne and handed it over to me. I moved my eyes to his and his had gone soft and he looked as though he had given up. I chugged my champagne down quickly, closed my eyes and slid back down into the tub. I felt his presence still there, sitting on the counter next to the sink, just watching me. We didn't talk for five minutes and I kept my eyes closed. Then all of a sudden I was being lifted out of the tub, my body pressing against his and his breath next to my ear. "I can't help myself any longer. I need and want you more than you know." he said. This time I knew it was a growl and I knew why. I wrapped my legs around his waist considering how short I was it was actually a bit higher than his waist. He slid his arms down my body to my lower back right near my butt and pulled me into him tighter. He growled again at me with no words coming out and kissed my neck.

The entire weekend we stayed in bed talking, laughing and having sex. There was a brief moment I thought of Jake and felt a deep pang of regret. I cheated and I didn't want to cheat but I need the relief of feeling a man hold me and want me. I suppose Jake would never have to know but I couldn't be a liar on top of a cheat. I looked in Beau's eyes and he understood. And then at that moment we made a quiet understanding that we could never do this again

The First Getaway

Going upstate was the answer but was a lot more than Beau had implied. When we got to his guest house I was expecting a one room cabin with a bathtub that needed to be scrubbed. Not that I couldn't handle it but it wasn't what I was hoping for. When we arrived it was a twenty five hundred square feet house with two bedroom, both master suites and two gigantic bathrooms. It was furnished and decorated with all things vintage down to the old claw foot bathtub. I laid my bags down in the bedroom Beau gave me, poured half a bottle of bubble bath and bath salt into the tub and waited for it to fill up. I closed the bathroom door meanwhile so that the bathroom would be steamy.

"Beau, you got any candles? And by any I mean a least a dozen?" I asked him sheepishly. Beau nodded padded barefoot by me slipping his hand from one side of my waist as to make me turn and follow him. I had to take a deep breath and steady by legs underneath me. "I'll light them for you." he said with a deep tone that I had never heard before. It was as if he had growled it at me. I smiled at him and let him light the candles while I laid out my clothes. I laid out a tight white tank top and a pair of yoga pants. It didn't really matter because Beau had seen me in he worst possible way any time we had spent the night with each other. Beau walked out and let know the bathroom was all ready for me and told me he was going to chill and watch a little TV. I didn't really care I wanted to just throw my clothes off and run to the bathtub.

New York - Part 1 Act 3

For the next week the three of us locked ourselves in the conference room to work and plan the ball. We would leave for only a few hours a night to sleep and shower. We were worn out and at wits end. It was a Friday evening and Jeff had to go out of town. Back to Tennessee to spend some time with his parents and sister. Beau was annoyed about it and got into it with Jeff. I was sitting on the table cross legged chewing up sunflower seeds while they were arguing like it was some sort of prime time television show. Jeff had finally pushed Beau out of the way, kissed me on the cheek; to my delight and left. Beau opened up two of the conference windows and pulled out a cigarette. "Want one"?, he asked. I had never smoked before but had so much pent up sexual frustration and general frustration from Jake that it was either smoke or get naked with Beau. The choice obviously easy to make, I needed my job.

I grabbed a cigarette from Beau's pack and choked my way half way through it. Beau did a small smile at me and wrinkled his nose, knowing full well I didn't smoke. I put my cigarette out and like a smoky velvet ribbon blew the smoke out the window slowly. I watched it roll and twist around until it finally disappeared. I looked at Beau and told him I needed a break. I need a couple days to sleep, take a hot bath and recharge my mind. I think the first answer that crossed his mind was out of anger and stubbornness but it wasn't what he told me. He agreed we needed to take the weekend and suggested we head up to his vacation house upstate. At that point I didn't care where we were going I wanted to sleep. I wanted to get out of this annoying office before I went all crazy and ended up in the nearest jail. It had taken it's last toll and I wanted away. I didn't want my phone ringing with Jake on the other end. I didn't want to plan balls or imagine having sex with Jeff. I wanted to take a hot bath and sleep for at least ten hours. If going upstate was the way I could do it, I was game.

New York - Part 1 Act 2

The morning I met Jeff I was tired and frustrated. I had a big fight with Jake the night before about not being able to talk to him as much. We talked, no, screamed for five hours straight on the phone. I was so exhausted that I did nothing with myself and was late to work. I put on my black pin striped skirt, a pink short sleeve button up blouse and my simple black and white heels. I left two buttons undone on my blouse not on purpose but it didn't look bad that I was showing just the perfect amount of cleavage. I let my hair stay down and wavy because I didn't have the gusto to do anything with it. I sprayed on some body shimmer so that my pantyhose-less legs wouldn't look bare and stark.

When I got out of the taxi in front of my office building Beau was standing with the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. He was about 6'3" with dirty blond hair, crystal blue eyes and was built unbelievably. I'm pretty sure he had more muscle in his pinky than I did in my entire body. He wasn't built to the point that it was disgusting and if I had to compare him to a celebrity it would be Russell Crowe.

Everything in me went still when I saw him smile at me. I breathed deeply and attempted to straighten my skirt. Beau nodded and started walking towards me. Beau stood about three inches shorter than Jeff but it took everything I had in me not to skip and do a silly dance that these two tall, dark, gorgeous men were walking towards me. Me! Beau introduced Jeff and I to each other and as Jeff took my hand he kissed my check saying gruffly, "Nice to meet you". At that very moment I felt the strangest of emotions. One I felt sex. I wanted sex. And oddly enough with the two of them all I could think about was sex with them both. Then I felt something else. A pull that felt like a small tingle of obsession and need. That tingle had nothing to do with sex.

Beau brushed up behind me quickly wrapping his arm around my waist and leading us both towards the office. I felt heat rise up my legs and my cheeks. I was feeling hot all over but the smell of Beau's cologne, his arm around my waist and his breath so close to me made me unfocused and nervous. Beau was mentioning something about a lot of food and hours in the conference room yet still all I could do was to keep telling myself to breathe.

When Beau finally let go of me I was able to clear my mind and excuse myself to the restroom. I need to splash some water on my face and pull myself together. These two men were hot, very hot, but one was my boss and the other my bosses best friend. I couldn't do this now. I couldn't afford it. And then there was always Jake. I was not the one to cheat or hurt someone intentionally so anything I wanted to do, I couldn't actually bring myself to do it.

New York - Part 1 Act 1

There is so much to tell in all this that separating it in parts and acts seem like the only good way to do so. Of course my shrink would interpret me equating my life to a play and something unreal. Maybe I'll go with it?

Living in Manhattan was everything I thought it was going to be. Not as glamorous as what the movies and TV shows make it out to be, but definitely as thrilling. So much to see but never enough time to do it. When I got into the office I was being swept off to local shops to get new outfits and dresses. I was playing hostess to balls that the biggest of big names were attending. I schmoozed potential clients at Yankee Stadium and smiled pretty on the arm of my boss at five star restaurants. While it sounds like the funnest and again, glamorous thing; it wasn't. I was exhausted. I started dieting and exercising so that I could fit into the more fabulous dresses I was seeing at these stores. Plus to be honest, the men that I was rubbing shoulders with were gorgeous. I'm talking grade a gorgeous.

The first gorgeous man I dealt with was my boss, Beau. Beau was all man. Broad shoulders, broad neck and a broad jaw. His hands were large and looked aged. His eyes were a light almost gray color with deep blue flecks on the outside edge of his eyes. His eyes were deep set so that often he looked like he was thinking hard and squinting. The best part was when he smiled, his eyes would wrinkle in the right spots so you could see the smile throughout his face. He had dark brown hair that never looked done but maybe it was? It was short and had that short messy look. I saw him out of his suit very rarely but he looked so amazing in his suits. He hardly ever shaved which was maybe why his jaw looked so broad.

Beau and I spent literally every single day together at almost 15 hours a day. I was up by five and at work by six. We at breakfast together or what we called breakfast; coffee and a bagel, in the conference room each morning. My office was set up right next to his and we were connected by a tiny hallway. Lunch we had together in my office, his office or that cafe two blocks from the office. We would then have dinner in the conference again. Then we would run together every weekend. I had been to his house, an amazing brownstone, for small and intimate client schmoozing. He had come to mine when we needed to brainstorm on new ideas. We never kissed or touched and yet often we slept over at one another house.

A big ball was coming up, Beau and I were trying to plan it so that it was the biggest hit. We were going to have national coverage on this ball with the biggest names there, including pro athletes. We had only five months left until the night of the ball so Beau decided that we needed the help of his friend Jeff.

Jeff is the longest part and a big part of this story. Jeff was the main character in my life honestly but to do him justice and to give you a better understanding I need to tell Beau's story first.

Jake The Beginning Act 2

I walked into his house feeling out of place. Any other time I had come to his house I came with my family or with my friends. Never just alone. And there Jake stood tugging his shirt out of his jeans making me curious as to what his chest looked and felt like. He turned a crooked smile at me and asked if I was thirsty. What was supposed to be the answer. I wasn't legally able to drink but I wanted to. I shrugged my shoulders and asked him for a drink anyways and he nodded, still adorning that crooked smile.

That cooked smile was everything to me. It was all my hopes for the past god knows how many years. It was what my dreams were made of and now I had it all to myself. Of course I hadn't a clue what to do with it either. So I just smiled innocently and nodded a lot.

Jake returned to me with two glasses of ice, juice and a bottle of rum. He nodded to the back door to let me know that the back porch was where we were headed. I felt a sigh of relief. A huge sigh of relief. From the moment that we began kissing and touching back at the diner until now I was worried that the time had come to actually get naked with a boy. Yes, you read that right. At that moment I was still a virgin. I wanted to have sex with Jake. Or I thought I did. I was so ignorant on the subject that I figured that since I was lusting after him, the sex was going to be phenomenal. Either way wer obviously weren't going to have sex tonight unless I got really drunk and it went down on the back porch. That particular thought made me take a step back instead of forward. I'm not a foolish person and I knew the first time I was going to have sex wasn't going to happen with roses, love, champagne and on silk sheets but on a back porch? All I could think was having stickers in my ass and mosquito bites.

Jake looked at me out of the corner of his eye, "It's OK, if I get you too drunk I'll call Mike". And with that I took another step back. Calling my oldest brother when I was his youngest sister and being that I would be his youngest drunk sister; bad. Then add to it that I was at his best friends house, well that would just start chaos. Jake fully turned around and stared at me blankly. I stared back lost in my own mind. I think at that point Jake got it, "OK fine, two drinks and I'll take you home". I nodded and slipped out of my mind and into his eyes. Those deep eyes.

From that night we only had two weeks together until I was gone. The first week we spent naked but not having sex. Drinking, laughing, in the woods, kissing and just being. We were caught in the moment. You know that moment right? Newness, lust, adoration, excitement? That was us. Then Jake decided he was in love. To give him the benefit of the doubt, let's just say that he was. He knew I was leaving. We were on the countdown, one week. And then I was gone. The minute he told me he loved me I told him too bad. It was harsh, yes. I just wanted him to understand I was not giving up New York. Never. Unfortunately I couldn't tell him the reason I wouldn't give it up was because I didn't want to be him. Regardless, when I told Jake it wasn't going to work he was furious. Beyond pissed. Told me to leave him the fuck alone. Did I mention this was the day after we finally decided to have sex?

I was devastated. I cried for two days straight. Wasted two days of the last week I was at home in bed crying, like a sissy girl. The more I think back on it the angrier I get with myself. I was smarter than that. The problem was the sex. The sex made my brain all cloudy. Jake was rough and gentle at the same time. Holding me like he was going to hurt me but when he touched me in the right spots he didn't hold back. We gave up and gave into each other. It was phenomenal for him and for me, well it hurt like hell and felt only a little bit good. But it was the first time I was naked with a man. A man that I really, really liked.

After those two days of crying we somehow came to a medium ground and decided to make a go of the whole long distant relationship thing. When I made it to New York Jake and I would talk routinely on the phone. Every night he would call at the same time. Eventually though I got busy with work and the phone calls only came three times a week. I didn't miss talking to him and he didn't seem to miss talking to me.

That's how Jake started. That's just a small sliver of the beginning of how the darkness came. Now I have to speed up a little or whatever you want to call it and tell you about New York.

Jake The Beginning

Jake wasn't tall sitting at maybe 5'10" and had tousled brown hair that laid short and flat on his head. His head that had those deep brown eyes. Those brown eyes that you wish you could get lost in but once you started to it ended, an abrupt ending. Jake was drowning, sinking. His eyes, his mannerisms held pains and struggles that you never thought existed. Pain and struggles that you never pegged Jake to have experienced. I loved Jake. I'm not sure if it was true love, pure love or even love at all but it was an emotion, a new one. Jake loved me though. A passionate and obsessive love and all I could equate my feelings to with Jake anymore is security. A warm, fuzzy security blanket that I wrapped myself in because it was all I knew. It was like the blanket we are all given when we are brand new babies and you never really want to give it up. It's all you know. All. Jake was my oldest brother Mike's best friend. He was born to a farmer and your typical housewife that opened a diner in our very small sleepy town over fifty years ago. They had money but weren't filthy rich and Jake, he was the only child. The only son born to a well known and well respected couple. I can't remember the first time I met Jake but he was always there, always with Mike. And the day I applied for the internship I started my first day of work at the diner. Which also started four years of flirting, butterflies and a school girl crush with Jake.

I remember the day Jake told me he loved me. The day that his stubbled and tanned face rubbed along my collar bone. The day that his rough deep voice whispered things in my ear that not only made me blush but also made me feel things that I wasn't sure I understood. He rested his rough hands on my hips and kissed me softly. I melted. That day started an almost two year relationship of chaos. I had gotten word months earlier that I was accepted into the internship I had applied for. I was able to finally iron out all the details to appease my worried family and the entire life changing experience was a go. The day I went to quit was the day Jake confessed his love. I still went to New York. I left. We made the choice to work with a long distant relationship. I think that was the biggest mistake I made. Maybe not but it sure felt like it.

After Jake told me he loved me, he whisked me off to his house. The house that his parents used to live in and he recently remodeled. Jake's parent moved to the city near the things that they needed as their age and health had both turned against them. They were talking about moving to Florida but every time it was brought up Jake found other reasons to convince them otherwise. After so much back and forth, the city was the next best thing.

When Jake's parents moved out, he moved in and remodeled the house entirely; turning it into the ultimate bachelor pad. The house on the outside remained the same except for the new lighted pathway, waterfall and koi pond and then of course manicured acre of yard surrounding the house. Past that acre of perfectly mowed, spectacular green grass was the 19 acres of forest and farm land his parents had spent the most of their lives adoring. They planted a garden. They planted corn. They hunted in the woods and taught Jake how to hunt in those woods also. Much like the rest of us we learned to be self sufficient with what the good lord had provided for us. It was the way of life in our town, heck our region. Yet Jake wanted to stand out. He felt that he owed himself more so he turned the inside of the house into a pristine home that lost the feel of comfort that his parents planned out so well. I'm sure deep down Jake had resentment inside of him for his life. He felt stuck. Stuck in his house. Stuck in his job. Stuck in all things with no decision. But if he had paid more attention to his parents he would've noticed he wasn't.

Seven Years

Seven years ago I packed my belongings. The very little belongings I did have. Clothes, makeup, jewelry, books, a computer, blankets. The things I could fit into five brown pieces of luggage. That luggage would be shipped to a small Manhattan loft that I would be living in for the next couple of years. Two years in a large city that I never had been to in a loft that wasn't even mine. I applied for an internship at a high profile and popular public relations agency that was working towards expanding to large cities like Seattle, Dallas and Chicago. The internship required one chosen person to follow around the CEO of the PR agency learning the ropes, assisting in the expansion to the cities, traveling, begging, gopher(ing), graveling and more. It's not as though it was my dream career but it was my dream to become worldly. To get out of the small town I was living in and see what else was out there. To see what was past the four way stop and small town diner. Growing up in that small town was the epitome of country and simple life. Everybody knew everybody, hardly any crime and most love affairs and scandals were never kept quiet. It was beautiful, wonderful and terrifying. I didn't want to turn into a small town scandal or the bare foot pregnant housewife. There was a world out there waiting for me and I had to see it. I needed to see it.

My parents said they understood why I made the choice to go. I think they just said it to comfort themselves and convince themselves. It had nothing to do with an actual understanding of my choices or who I was or even who I am now. They respected me, at age fifteen, barely a freshman in high school they respected me. They knew that when I signed the application and mailed it off that I was dedicating the next four or more years of my life to a goal. Maybe they admired me. Heck, they could even been a little jealous of me. My siblings, all of them, got sucked into the small town life. I'm not sure they ever imagined going beyond the county borders or walking a hallway of a building larger than a barn. They stayed after high school, they made lives and they settled. My sister on the other hand had no choice but to settle. My only sister, my older sister, Makyla made the choice to become a parent at a young age. A very young age. The decision she made distorted her mind. She falsified reality. Made up everything in her mind, creating something that wasn't possible. Forcing herself and others to muddle through her pain and clean up her messes. Makyla was beautiful. Very beautiful. With long slender legs, curvy hips and torso, flowing golden blond hair and magnificent blue eyes. She was your typical Type A girl. Beautiful, funny and less witty than most. She dreamed of fashion, sequins, glitter and pink. She dated boys, lots of them until she found Dane. The father of Noah - my nephew. Dane didn't stick around during the pregnancy and came around Noah after he was born very, very little. He paid his child support, he sent his love but he lived his life and that meant without Makyla. Makyla was part of the beginning of my very first disappointment. She was a significant player in the past seven years and what begun the gloom that was lurking around. The tie that bonded us besides sisterhood was Jake.

Uh Hello?

Is this thing on? I don't know why I put that but I always have wanted to do a little bit where I stand up and tap the microphone say, "Is this thing on?". I've stood up in front of people before. In the job I previously worked at I stood in front of hundreds of people and more than likely, looked an ass in front of all of them. But never got to say that.

I suppose I should finally introduce myself right? Well here goes nothing.

Hi, my name is Raylee Hall. I started this journal at least a hundred times on advisement that it would help me and make me grow stronger. For five years now I have been opening and closing this computer attempting to find the words, struggling for meaning. Something. Yet each time I opened it and begun to tap and click away at these keys my mind failed me. My words never came. It all failed me and I wanted nothing more than to throw out this computer. Throw it out over my balcony and into the pretty grass yard that I hated for so long. That grass yard that for five years sat brown, dead. I didn't water it. I didn't cut it. I just stared at it every morning thinking I should do something with it, but after the cup of coffee I normally sipped on begun to lower in the ceramic cup I normally used, I walked away. If a flower, if a weed, if any sign of green popped out of that ugly brown yard I would cut it, burn it, get rid of it. It was merely a sign or spot of sunshine, if you will, on my gloom that I wanted to stay. I wanted nothing in my life that resembled sunshine. Except my son. My son was the only thing that kept me going, kept me motivated for the past five years. But that has changed. It has all changed. My words are no longer failing me, my grass is green again and I got rid of that stupid ceramic mug I was using every morning. That stupid ceramic mug that held some sort of emotion and sentiment to me. But in the end, at the end of the day - that mug was simply a mug. Nothing more, nothing less.

There I go getting ahead of myself. Talking about the pain before I talk about the happiness. Not explaining the events that led up to the five years of gloom then the day that the sunshine broke. It was traumatic and beautiful. It was scary and predictable. It was like a horror movie, a comedy and a love story wrapped into the past seven years of my life. Five years that were the worst part of the seven years. Five years I am afraid I wasted on gloom and not knowing my son and those around me. But they all acted unaffected and oblivious to my gloom. Maybe I am just a good actor. Or is it actress? Somehow they all managed to get through the last five years sans the pain and sans seeing my pain. Again, I could be wrong but sometimes it's clear to me. They were phased, they saw me crippled and crumpled to the ground in pain. They saw the swollen eyes and the fake smiles. But instead they hugged me, picked me up and kept me moving.