Uh Hello?

Is this thing on? I don't know why I put that but I always have wanted to do a little bit where I stand up and tap the microphone say, "Is this thing on?". I've stood up in front of people before. In the job I previously worked at I stood in front of hundreds of people and more than likely, looked an ass in front of all of them. But never got to say that.

I suppose I should finally introduce myself right? Well here goes nothing.

Hi, my name is Raylee Hall. I started this journal at least a hundred times on advisement that it would help me and make me grow stronger. For five years now I have been opening and closing this computer attempting to find the words, struggling for meaning. Something. Yet each time I opened it and begun to tap and click away at these keys my mind failed me. My words never came. It all failed me and I wanted nothing more than to throw out this computer. Throw it out over my balcony and into the pretty grass yard that I hated for so long. That grass yard that for five years sat brown, dead. I didn't water it. I didn't cut it. I just stared at it every morning thinking I should do something with it, but after the cup of coffee I normally sipped on begun to lower in the ceramic cup I normally used, I walked away. If a flower, if a weed, if any sign of green popped out of that ugly brown yard I would cut it, burn it, get rid of it. It was merely a sign or spot of sunshine, if you will, on my gloom that I wanted to stay. I wanted nothing in my life that resembled sunshine. Except my son. My son was the only thing that kept me going, kept me motivated for the past five years. But that has changed. It has all changed. My words are no longer failing me, my grass is green again and I got rid of that stupid ceramic mug I was using every morning. That stupid ceramic mug that held some sort of emotion and sentiment to me. But in the end, at the end of the day - that mug was simply a mug. Nothing more, nothing less.

There I go getting ahead of myself. Talking about the pain before I talk about the happiness. Not explaining the events that led up to the five years of gloom then the day that the sunshine broke. It was traumatic and beautiful. It was scary and predictable. It was like a horror movie, a comedy and a love story wrapped into the past seven years of my life. Five years that were the worst part of the seven years. Five years I am afraid I wasted on gloom and not knowing my son and those around me. But they all acted unaffected and oblivious to my gloom. Maybe I am just a good actor. Or is it actress? Somehow they all managed to get through the last five years sans the pain and sans seeing my pain. Again, I could be wrong but sometimes it's clear to me. They were phased, they saw me crippled and crumpled to the ground in pain. They saw the swollen eyes and the fake smiles. But instead they hugged me, picked me up and kept me moving.